Welcome Great-Uncle.

I would really suck to have a Mom that was 62-years old when she gave birth to you:

now that's what I call a GG/G/MILF, huh boys?

The average life expectancy is now 77 years old, therefore, she'll probably die before you are even old enough to drive. She is also the grandmother to 20 and great-grandmother to 3. That would mean if you were one of the grandchildren you would be celebrating the birth of your Uncle, or if you were a great-grandchild, the birth of your Great-Uncle.

I don't think Hallmark has cards for such an occasion, so I decided to make one myself. Here is my Welcome Great Uncle card:

I hate people.

In my elder years I have gotten quite intolerant of the entire human race. It has become pretty much a daily occurrence where people highly annoy me. I think this mind-set has intensified by my recent position at a local retail store.

Working in retail is very different from the consulting world. In the consulting world I have come to accept the fact that people have great vision of how things should work, or what should be done, but when it comes down to the government and the almighty dollar, nothing really happens. I have also learned that it's all about perception and politics. If you can talk the talk, know the right people, and get involved (as little or as much as you want) in high-profile work, you're pretty much money. Consulting is where I belong.

However, retail is another beast completely. 9 times out of 10, the customer is always wrong. In my career and life I have mastered the art of informing people when they are wrong. However, when working the retail gig, I have to catch myself from asking people if they are serious when they talk to me.

For example, a petite Asian lady comes up to me last weekend and asks me to help her carry some bowls that she would like to buy. Now, if she wanted more bowls that she could manage or that could fit into a basket, I would be more than happy to help her. Was this the case? No, she wanted 3 bowls. That's right, she wanted me to go all the way across the store and get 3 soup bowls for her. This not only annoyed me, but then her daughter was also trying to decide what color white plates she wanted. The six she decided she didn't want she just put on the floor and pushed under the shelf. When I saw this I immediately said, "Umm...we can go ahead put these back on the shelf instead of just leaving on the floor" (note- prob not the right thing to say, but do I care?)

Another thing that annoys me is when people expect you to be their personal shopper. This woman asked me the other day to help her with some glasses. Not a problem, so we walk over to a full shelf of wine glasses. She says, "I would like 6 of these wine glasses". I then look at her and said: "Ok, well let me get you a basket and feel free to get them". I’m sorry, I am not your servant.

Finally, one more thing that annoys me is when people don't really know what they want, but they ask you to get it anyway. For example, one couple asked me to get them 2 20-piece dishsets for a wedding gift. No big deal, that's my job. So I check the computer and go up to the stock room and pull down 40 pieces of dishes. I not only have to pull it off the shelf, but I have to get a stock boy to help me get down boxes of overstock dishes to complete their request. I haul down the dishes and place them at the register to start ringing them up. The lady then says to me....Oh, I don't like these, and we’ll just get something else. You don't like them? First of all, you can see exactly what they look like from the display wall. Secondly, it doesn't matter if you don't like them because they are not for you. *Sigh* What can I say?

Retail is not where I belong, but at least we entertain ourselves by making fun of customers. Who knows, maybe you've been one of our targets.....

Trendsetters

It's about 11:00am and a lot of things have happened today. La and I decided to meet at Starbucks this AM for a quick morning pick me up-- Note: the new Marble Mocha Macchiato is very delish!

Anyway, while people watching in Tysons we see a woman sporting a really trendy leather Hard Rock Cafe, Washington DC, letter jacket. First of all, its not only bad she was sporting HRC gear in the first place, but she was also sporting a local venue! It's (kinda, but not much) more acceptable if it was like Tokyo or Sydney or Hong Kong, but Washington DC? Not OK. To assist you all with the mental picture of this trendsetting attire, here is the picture I took of her:

(pls note the semi-fem mullet)

I also accidentally wore pants that had a big hole in the crotch to work today. Thank goodness there is a tailor downstairs. After a few minutes of being pant-less in our lobby, I was all sewed up and ready for the day.

Finally, if you haven't tried this new website, it's pretty fun: http://www.myheritage.com/ What you do is upload a picture of yourself and it "matches" your facial features to celebrities. Now, I am not convinced of it's accuracy because it told me I looked like Tommy Lasorda, Belinga looked like David Beckham, and my co-workers grandmother looked like 50 Cent, Cuba Gooding, Jr and Dennis Rodman (pls note she is approx an 80-year old white woman)

Enjoy!

My apologies

Loyal Readers,

I apologize for my lack of posts. Don't you have when your job gets in the way of sharing your wit and charm with the cyber-world?

As promised, here is a shout out to my girl RR for her birthday! Happy 7th anniversary of your 21st birthday :-)

Stay tuned, I will have an update tomorrow.

Go Away.

Once again, Oprah Winfery has catapulted her fat, ego-centric self into my life.

According to the Washington Post: Oprah Winfrey is extending her domain into a new realm: satellite radio. The multimedia maven yesterday signed a three-year, $55 million deal for her own channel on XM Satellite Radio

"Oprah & Friends," which will debut in September, will rely more on the friends than on Oprah herself. Winfrey said yesterday in a teleconference from Chicago that she will have a half-hour "reality" show each week for 39 weeks -- a recorded conversation with her confidante Gayle King.

I hated Oprah before this news, but now I really despise her. First, nobody cares about her stupid friend Gayle King. Secondly, now my subscription to my beloved XM radio is helping to line her golden pockets. This is a terrible day for me and my radio (that, btw, is playing Phil Collins right now)

*Sigh* Next thing you know she'll want to buy part of BAH, run for office, move to the DC area, buy my whole neighborhood, kick me out and steal all my friends away with all her money and power. Now I'm really sad.

Happy Birthday

The Soup would like to give a big shout out to 1/2 of the reason I am here today! That's right, today is the anniversary of my Mom's birth!

Here are some quick poems that I wrote for the occasion:

Today is my Mom's birthday
Everyone say hooray

I can't wait to eat all her cake
That I might ask her to make

Then I will wash it down with ice cream and beer
I can't wait to celebrate again next year


Today is the day
Another year gone away
Happy Birthday Mom

Jessica eats dirty hot dogs

On my most recent business trip to Porkopolis, I visited a lovely restaurant called the Montgomery Inn at the Boathouse. The Montgomery Inn is famous for their yummy ribs (in addition to the ribs I highly recommend the Saratoga Chips). Anyway, upon arriving to the Inn I quickly made friends with the head maitre d' and he seated us in one of two VIP tables.

The table was a round booth in the corner facing the Ohio River. He explained that various celebs have sat at the table including Michael Douglas, Kim Basinger and Nick and Jessica (one week prior to their break-up)

I asked him what Jessica had to eat he said, "Oh, that girl would eat anything. Even a hot dog off the floor"

I am not really sure if he was literally referring to a dirty Hebrew National or if it was just a clever analogy to explain her current social situation with Adam Levin, Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville.

Porkopolis

The Soup is currently out of town in Cincinnati, OH, trying to find Nick Lachey and comfort his broken heart. While I am away, here are some Cincinnati facts to keep you entertained:

• Spring Grove Cemetery in Cincinnati is second largest cemetery in the United States with 733 acres
• The distance from Cincinnati to Washington DC is 425 miles
• Winston Churchill called Cincinnati "The most beautiful of America's inland cities."
• Cincinnati was the world's largest pork-packing center which gave it one of its first nicknames, "Porkopolis."

Last nights Super Bowl XL party was Porkopolis

Do Not Call

Last night I got into a fight for 20 minutes with a telemarketer and at the end of the conversation HE hung up on ME.

It was very aggravating and needless to say I have reported them to the FCC. Here is the transcript (starting at 9:15pm):

me: hello
him: hi, i am calling to let you know that you have an excellent credit score with our company.
me: ok
him: i am calling from the publishers of your magazines, are all your subscriptions going OK?
me: actually, I have been fighting to get my Real Simple magazine that I ordered in August.
him: we can fix that, it's Real Simple
me: haha
him: so all you have to do is pay us a small processing fee for your magazine and we'll pay your subscription fees.
me: what do you mean I have to pay you?
him: we have a promotion and we'll pay your subscription fees of all your magazines and you'll pay is $2.00 a week (or $19.93 a month)
me: wait a minute, I have to pay you for magazines I am already getting a subscription from
him: (repeat) all you have to pay is a small processing fee
me: why would I do that, I am already getting my magazines for free as gifts, why should I pay you?
him: (repeat) all you have to pay is a small processing fee
me: I don't understand why I would pay you money for something I am already getting
him: we pay your subscription fee and you pay us a small processing fee
me: so you're telling me if I don't pay you additional money I won't get my magazines anymore
him: I didn't say that
me: (getting angry) clearly we are having a communication breakdown here, can I speak to your supervisor
him: um, they are busy
me: well go find one
(oh hold)
him: OK, let me explain this to you. we pay your magazine subscriptions and you pay us the small processing fee of $19.93 a month
me: SMALL? what is 20 time 12
him: I don't have a calculator
me: that's $240, I hardly call that a small fee.
him: but we pay all your subscription fees
me: all my fees? how many magazines do you think I get?
him: I don't know I just started here
me: I could get US Weekly at the newsstand for less that $240 a year!
him: yeah, but you pay us this small fee
me: I don't want to pay you anything, don't charge me anything
him: we won't charge you, we'll send you a print out of your magazines
me: I don't want anything from you, I want to keep getting what I am getting without paying this fee
him: ma'am are you going to be OK?
me: huh?
him: you have a good night, click.


Now, in hindsight I should have hung up on him a lot earlier in the convo, but at that point I just wanted to understand what the hell he was talking about. So I have reported the "Office of the Magazine Publishers" (as if all mags have the same publishers) to the FCC for 1) violating the time of day calling and 2) violating the do not call list.

And on top of it, this man has my name, address and phone. So if I wind up dead, can someone please get this blog to Matt Lauer?

Thanks-

I hate Cindy Sheehan

My most hated non-celeb is back in the news again: Cindy Sheehan has been arrested at the Capitol building for continuing her anti-war movement after being warned such displays are not allowed on the House floor.

Hey Cindy, WE GET IT. You're against the war like most of the country. Your estranged son who you didn't even raise (and saw once in the last 12 years) who volunteered to go fight the war on terror in Iraq was killed. It's a terrible loss and there are many families out there who share your grief.

News Flash-the President is never going to meet with you, and do you want to know why? Because if every parent of the thousands of soldiers that have been killed wanted to meet with the President of the United States, I'm pretty sure there would be little time for anything else.

In addition, what about people who wanted to meet with him about their thoughts on other things like, world hunger, AIDS, animal abuse, what is indecent on TV or even Brangelina? Then all hell would break loose and you would see even more protesters asking, "Why did the president meet with her and not me...blah blah"

Anyway, I try to refrain from political commentary, but Cindy Sheehan really burns me. If she wants to do something to help, how about you redirect your energy support the men and women that are over there or even help support the families that have lost loved ones as well.

Ok, I am done.

In other news, tomorrow is one of my favorite holidays, GROUNDHOG DAY! Phil? Phil Connors?